Waiting for Something you Do Not want to Happen
And so Jeremy went under sedation and I sat, and sat and sat. He never moved.
His breathing was fast and shallow and eventually his kidneys stopped working and then his body just gave up.
I was afraid he would gasp for breath at the end, but he just took in a big breath, really slowly, pointed his toes, lifted his leg a bit and was gone.
Just a minute later his heart stopped.
So peaceful. And so hard to know I watched his very first breath and his very last breath. No Mother should have to do that.
Jeremy's girlfriend was not there when he died. She was having lunch with her parent's. Maybe that was the way it was supposed to be.
She sat with him as we waited for the coroner to come. When she kissed Jeremy goodbye for the last time she told him she'd see him on the other side. I said, "Way down the road, right?" She said, "Yes". I said, "Say that, way down the road." And she did.
Jeremy was cremated and I held a Celebration of Life gathering. People came who I hadn't seen in years. Some people Jeremy never even met, but family is family, no matter how distant.
I have felt so bad for Jeremy's girlfriend. Thankfully she had been seeing a therapist regularly for a long time so she has a professional who can help her that she knows and is comfortable with. But when I saw her the week after Jeremy died, she looked haunted, but she also seemed stronger maybe.
She would not let me in Jeremy's apartment, and legally she had no right to be there, she was not on the lease and the complex tried to make her leave. I intervened and took responsibility for the apartment and got them to agree to give her an additional month to get everything packed, but I never was allowed in the apartment or allowed to choose any of Jeremy's things. She did the apartment packing herself, she said her therapist told her she should do it a few hours a day and spend time with all those memories and items. I offered to help, but she felt she needed to do it.
Eventually she gave me several things I asked for, but not everything. She said I'd already gotten more than Jeremy would have ever allowed me to have were he alive. She continued this mantra that he hated his family, probably convincing some people of it, and in a later post I'll talk about that.
In the end, after she got my help with staying in the apartment and all that, she told me never to contact her again. I don't understand that kind of behavior but I certainly am willing to comply with her request.
Again, thank God that grace comes when you need it.
Her entire world has shifted. I lost my son but my day to day routine doesn't really change. Hers will be completely different. I worry about her committing suicide, but hopefully she's stronger than I think.
I will tell you this. People are so kind. You really get to see that at times like this and it does my heart good, because frankly, I feel the world is becoming so divided and splintered. So it's nice to see people's better natures.
My sister from Chicago, Marcie, was my rock during this time and she spent a lot of time in Indy with me during those dark days. I have cousin's who visited and supported me, one cousin in particular who is retired who brought me food every single day in the Hospice center. I have been surrounded by love; family, friends, co-workers. My niece and nephew who mean so much to me and even friends as far away as The Netherlands, who sent me a Magnolia Tree that I planted in Jeremy's honor.
Jeremy's father's family has been deeply touched by this loss and have been very kind to me and very supportive of my ex-husband.
Tyler has struggled, but is a strong young man and has a wonderful girlfriend who is there for him. His concern for me is very touching.
I've learned something important too. I always struggle with what to say at times like this, and people tell me they have no words for me, they just don't know what to say. What I realize is that it isn't what you say that matters. It's that you care enough to say anything at all. It really does mean so much when people just let you know that you're thinking of them.
His breathing was fast and shallow and eventually his kidneys stopped working and then his body just gave up.
I was afraid he would gasp for breath at the end, but he just took in a big breath, really slowly, pointed his toes, lifted his leg a bit and was gone.
Just a minute later his heart stopped.
So peaceful. And so hard to know I watched his very first breath and his very last breath. No Mother should have to do that.
Jeremy's girlfriend was not there when he died. She was having lunch with her parent's. Maybe that was the way it was supposed to be.
She sat with him as we waited for the coroner to come. When she kissed Jeremy goodbye for the last time she told him she'd see him on the other side. I said, "Way down the road, right?" She said, "Yes". I said, "Say that, way down the road." And she did.
Jeremy was cremated and I held a Celebration of Life gathering. People came who I hadn't seen in years. Some people Jeremy never even met, but family is family, no matter how distant.
I have felt so bad for Jeremy's girlfriend. Thankfully she had been seeing a therapist regularly for a long time so she has a professional who can help her that she knows and is comfortable with. But when I saw her the week after Jeremy died, she looked haunted, but she also seemed stronger maybe.
She would not let me in Jeremy's apartment, and legally she had no right to be there, she was not on the lease and the complex tried to make her leave. I intervened and took responsibility for the apartment and got them to agree to give her an additional month to get everything packed, but I never was allowed in the apartment or allowed to choose any of Jeremy's things. She did the apartment packing herself, she said her therapist told her she should do it a few hours a day and spend time with all those memories and items. I offered to help, but she felt she needed to do it.
Eventually she gave me several things I asked for, but not everything. She said I'd already gotten more than Jeremy would have ever allowed me to have were he alive. She continued this mantra that he hated his family, probably convincing some people of it, and in a later post I'll talk about that.
In the end, after she got my help with staying in the apartment and all that, she told me never to contact her again. I don't understand that kind of behavior but I certainly am willing to comply with her request.
Again, thank God that grace comes when you need it.
Her entire world has shifted. I lost my son but my day to day routine doesn't really change. Hers will be completely different. I worry about her committing suicide, but hopefully she's stronger than I think.
I will tell you this. People are so kind. You really get to see that at times like this and it does my heart good, because frankly, I feel the world is becoming so divided and splintered. So it's nice to see people's better natures.
My sister from Chicago, Marcie, was my rock during this time and she spent a lot of time in Indy with me during those dark days. I have cousin's who visited and supported me, one cousin in particular who is retired who brought me food every single day in the Hospice center. I have been surrounded by love; family, friends, co-workers. My niece and nephew who mean so much to me and even friends as far away as The Netherlands, who sent me a Magnolia Tree that I planted in Jeremy's honor.
Jeremy's father's family has been deeply touched by this loss and have been very kind to me and very supportive of my ex-husband.
Tyler has struggled, but is a strong young man and has a wonderful girlfriend who is there for him. His concern for me is very touching.
I've learned something important too. I always struggle with what to say at times like this, and people tell me they have no words for me, they just don't know what to say. What I realize is that it isn't what you say that matters. It's that you care enough to say anything at all. It really does mean so much when people just let you know that you're thinking of them.
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