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Waiting for Something you Do Not want to Happen

And so Jeremy went under sedation and I sat, and sat and sat.  He never moved. His breathing was fast and shallow and eventually his kidneys stopped working and then his body just gave up. I was afraid he would gasp for breath at the end, but he just took in a big breath, really slowly, pointed his toes, lifted his leg a bit and was gone. Just a minute later his heart stopped. So peaceful.  And so hard to know I watched his very first breath and his very last breath.  No Mother should have to do that. Jeremy's girlfriend was not there when he died.  She was having lunch with her parent's.  Maybe that was the way it was supposed to be.  She sat with him as we waited for the coroner to come.   When she kissed Jeremy goodbye for the last time she told him she'd see him on the other side.  I said, "Way down the road, right?"  She said, "Yes".  I said, "Say that, way down the road."  And she did.  Jeremy was crema...
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Hospice a/ka How in the Hell do People do This for a Living?

Hospice workers and Hospice Doctors do the work of Angels.  It takes very special people to help patients and loved ones through death.  Every.Single.Day. I will be forever grateful to the people who surrounded us during those nine days. I am so glad that Jeremy died at that hospice center.  It was a beautiful facility.  Each room had french doors that went out onto a patio where they kept several bird feeders filled so there were lots of birds and chipmunks.  A mamma raccoon and her two babies visited each evening to see what seeds the birds and chipmunks left. Beyond the patios was a common area that had two waterfalls, a lily pond, a playground, butterfly garden, four large swings, a picnic area.  It was just beautiful. And it was quiet.  Compared to the trauma unit it was so calming and quiet.  I saw a difference in Jeremy almost immediately.  He seemed less tense.  *I* felt less tense.  We'd open the doors during cool ...
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The Long Goodbye - Part I

I now have first hand knowledge of what a mixed blessing really feels  like.   Pretty early in this saga Jeremy began responding during Neuro Tests.  Cruelly, they would pinch and twist the skin near his collarbones on both sides and on the  inside of his thighs.  Hard to watch, I swear I wanted to slug those people sometimes, but they were doing their jobs, important and difficult work. Jeremy responded to this pain stimuli by lifting his right leg (he was paralyzed on the left side, as the bullet went through the right hemisphere of his brain).  He would squeeze your hand with his right hand if asked.  He could do a thumbs up on the right side. This was a positive sign, and yet heartbreaking.  Because of his injuries, we would never get to the other side of the initial damage to see what might be possible for Jeremy neurologically.  He was going to die even if he sat up in bed and began singing, he could not make it. I...
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The Beginning of the End

On Thursday, July 26th, 2018 I flew to Vegas to meet my sister Mindy for a few days of fun.  She lives in LA with her husband, Glen and three dogs.  We were to  go to LA on Saturday so I could see her new house and meet her new puppies. On Friday, July 27th, we went to see Menopause the Musical.  When we came out of the theater and turned our phones back on, I had seventy million calls and texts from my younger son, Tyler (28 years old at the time), wanting me to call him.  He said that my older son, Jeremy (34 years old), was in the hospital and they were trying to stabilize him. When I called him he said, "Oh Mom, Jeremy shot himself in the head!" Now I know why people fall to their knees when they receive horrible news.  Your bones disappear and down you go.   He said Jeremy arrived in the ER with barely a pulse and that he and Jeremy's girlfriend were getting ready to go in and talk to the doctor and see Jeremy's brain scan.  He ...
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The Beginning

I have a private blog where I have posted about the loss of my son, as it played out. I have moved those posts here and once I have 'caught up' I will continue to write about the grieving process here. It is very helpful to have a place to express all these feelings.
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